Paperwork!

I feel like I am drowning in it. Mortgage paperwork, new employee paperwork, student paperwork, graduation paperwork. And of course none of it makes sense and anyone who should be able to answer my questions isn't available when I call. So for now I am treading water as far as that is concerned.

The kids are growing and changing and wonderful. Everyday it seems I laugh and cry in regards to them. One of Johns favorite quotes is from Jim Valvano: (paraphased) A good day is one in which you think, laugh, and cry. I'm telling you, I'm having some great days. Joey spells a new word every day. Yesterday it was "moon", the day before that "Neopets", and today he tried "pizza" but missed the "i". Grayson is the complete opposite at school from what he is at home. I think sometimes I may misrepresent him to others. You know how it is, its the crappy stuff that stands out so that's what you tell people about. So to be fair, here are some cute Grayson-happenings. Today he got a baby toy and laid down on the couch next to Ali and played with her. She loves her big brother so much. He is also doing great in school. He has yet to complete his placement testing for this year but has already passed the benchmark score of where they want the children to be. His teacher also said that he is so careful with his schoolwork. She stated that it takes him longer than most to complete his work but it is because he is trying to make it perfect.

The tears are coming from the direction of my other lovable son lately. The autism has grabbed a hold of him again in the past week and I am trying desperately to pull him back to me. I feel like I am in a fight for his life and I think he feels it also. This weekend he ran to me and buried his head in my chest and said "Joey sad". My heart shattered. How do you fix it for a child who doesn't even know what "it" is that is saddening him. I just want to pull him to me and protect him from this world but instead I try to push that lump out of my throat, dry my tears so he doesn't see them and shove him back into this harsh world that he HAS to learn to deal with. And he has learned so much. When I look back at the pictures of the little boy that took 6 months to simply imitate a sign, or months to imitate a sound, I can't believe he is communicating with me. He is talking, he is writing, reading, and drawing amazing pictures for a three year old.

And so that she doesn't feel left out, I must add a note about my precious Ali. I never knew what it would be like to have a daughter. I miss her dreadfully during the days while I am at school. I do as I said I never would and let her sleep with me. I treasure every minute that I get to snuggle with such a happy girl. Her smiles warm my heart and I know she will be such a kind and caring person because I see it in her eyes. And she is learning so much as well. She has discovered my cell phone and the other day she couldn't figure out how to make it light up. My heart leapt with joy when she turned to me and reached out to touch my arm in a request for me to make the light come on. As much as I tell myself that she is not following in Joey's footsteps, and I know she isn't. I still appreciate each step toward full communication more than anyone could imagine.

Thinking way into the future

My current internship is in a rehab/long-term care facility. I am loving it but having a hard time because its just not in my nature to tell elderly people what to do. They all remind me of my grandparents, who I love dearly and lost both within the last 5 years.

It has really gotten me thinking though. It is making me think about what will happen with my parents when they can no longer care for themselves. How much am I willing to take on? I mean I understand the need for such facilities. But I also see people living at this place who I really think should be living with family.

It also has me thinking about myself. I mean, when John and I get old and can no longer care for ourselves, what will our plans be. I don't want to be a burden to my children but don't want to find myself living in a place like this when I don't HAVE to. I have joked that Grayson will be my main caretaker and deal with my cranky old self because he needs payback or how much he has tried my patience. But Joey will change my diapers to pay back for all this poop I have been scrubbing off walls and floors and out of laundry this summer.

In reality, I know so much will depend on the course life takes. I may go quickly and the plan may not be necessary. It will be nice to have just in case though. And then there is the matter of my adorable Joey. While I hope that he grows and develops and marries, there is no guarantee of if that will be possible. So what if he can't live alone? The only thing I can do about that right now is to try to foster love and respect between he and his brother and sister and then hope for the best.

A spot for me

Don't get me wrong, I love my family to the ends of the earth. They are the reason I wake every morning and drag myself out of bed. But I have recently stepped back and taken a look at my life, and well, there just isn't that much of it right now that is mine. In order to be a better wife and mother I think I need to nourish myself. I am sure it is a famous quote by someone but I don't know who and just don't feel like looking it up but I once heard that "You can't pour from an empty pitcher". Its so true.

I said all of that to say that is the reason I am doing this blog. I have no idea who will ever read it but the posting in itself will be good for me. A place to lay it all on the line. To be myself. To whine over what isn't right in my life and to celebrate every victory

Of course, the biggest part of me is the mother. So I am sure that a lot of this blog will revolve around my children and everything that comes with being a mother. Feel free to comment but not to criticize. I get enough of that in my daily life, don't need more here.